Well, Monday morning is the beginning of a new era in the Reynolds’ home. BOTH of my tiny babies (who am I kidding) are going to be at school! Robbie will be in KINDERGARTEN, because time seems to have played some kind of cruel joke on me, and little Charlie will be starting in the 2 1/2 – 3 year old preschool class. They are both so excited, and have their first day of school outfits all picked out [they wear uniforms so they didn’t get much choice, but shhhhh let them pretend!].
This means I will have five whole days per week with time to kill. This will allow me to get mountains of work done, run errands alone, actually go to the gym instead of trying to zumba in my living room… There’s lots of opportunity here! I’ll get to reclaim my time, while my kids are off learning and growing.
But it’s also bittersweet. My home will be empty, for hours at a time. No tiny feet making mischief, no little voices laughing or saying “mom, I need you”. The silence is going to be so strange, especially after a summer with them both by my side. The silence means they are growing up, enough to where they are both gone for the day. At least in years past, I had Charlie home with me while her brother went out into the big wide world. But I don’t have babies anymore. It’s a significant transitional period, and I’ll admit, I’m not handling it well.
Babies are my jam. Little, fresh, new babies. It’s what I do for a living! But now, the era of babyhood is gone from our home. We’ve outgrown it. And I am so, so sad. In my heart, I always believed we would have more kids. “At least 3, maybe 4,” I would say when people asked me. It was my dream. But now, as the chubby cheeks and diapers fade into the distance, it’s becoming more clear that there likely won’t be any more sweet babies in our future. There is a very real possibility that we are done. Logically, it makes sense- kids are expensive, time consuming, and require a LOT of attention, and at this point in our lives, two is plenty. And waiting until there’s a giant age gap between Charlie and a new baby wouldn’t be ideal at all. Plus, I’m in no physical condition to carry a pregnancy right now.
The universe seems to have dealt us a deck with two glorious, incredible children. I am so beyond thankful for them; they light up my world and put wind beneath my wings. They inspire me daily, and I love them beyond measure. But when I think of the babies that could have been- the babies I dreamed would also be joining our family… I get sad. I understand and accept that if I am only to be blessed with these two, then I will be the best damn mother of two I can be. But I do wonder often what life would be like with more. It’s a dream that, for very logical reasons, can’t come true now, and likely won’t ever come true. I’m slowly making my peace with that.
This school year beginning is kind of like a reality check for me, that time is flying, my children are growing, and I likely WON’T get to do this age again with more kids. It’s making me all kinds of sappy and emotional (clearly), in the best and worst of ways. If anyone needs me, I’ll be crying into my coffee about how big my kids are getting, and soaking in how wonderful the time with them is.